Metamorphosis

Have you ever reached the point wherein you are no longer happy and satisfied what you have going in your life right now?

I have.

In fact, I am right at that point now.

I’m a 20-something woman with no fixed job, no stable source of income, still living with folks, and wholly dissatisfied with everything. People call what I am feeling a “quarter-life crisis” and that I will “eventually” overcome this event in my life. But when would that be exactly when all of your efforts had not paid off?

You all must probably be scratching your heads and saying: “Hey, you’re a nurse. Isn’t that like a stable job? Then why whine about it?”

Before you further say anything else, kindly allow me to explain. The situation here is entirely different in my country. We go through “volunteering” in which, in some health institutions, we do things that staff nurses do albeit with supervision. It is, in my opinion, a sort of “orientation” to a hospital’s protocol and procedures. It is the first of many steps you will have to take if you wanted to be a regular part of a particular hospital you want to work in. But that would probably take months or even a couple of years before one could finally hold the title of regular staff and most institutions don’t have openings for that position. So, after staying for a certain period of months, me and thousands of other newbies look for other hospitals to render our services in, still as a volunteer. I volunteered at several institutions hardly ever moving forward even after I had applied for the “reliever” status in which we are already being paid.

I know a lot of people who are already nurses but did not practice their profession the moment they get their license because they know they wouldn’t be able to receive a salary. Most opt for jobs that are a complete 180 from what they had learned for 4 years in the classroom because of the pay.

I am embarrassed to say that I am struggling.

I am struggling because I am no longer driven no matter how much I force myself to be.  I seek something else. But that something else is not something that my folks like. If I choose what I wanted to do versus what my folks dictate me to do, I would become a pariah within my family.

What do I love, really?

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I love to write. I love to cook. I have a passion for both. I have always wanted to be either a chef or an author. I wanted to take up Culinary Arts (or Hotel and Restaurant Management) or a degree in English or Language and Literature. However, my choices were clearly frown upon by some of my relatives since their primary goal for me would be to travel abroad and work there and taking up nursing is the only ticket. They never took into consideration whether or not I would be happy and satisfied in the end. As a dutiful daughter, I simply agreed to their dictates. Years later, it has taken a toll on me.

My current choices are few.

In a few years, I will be in my thirties and making a dramatic change in my life is–most likely from my parents’ perspective–too late. My choices are few. I am at loss on what to do. On the one hand, I wanted to make my folks proud. What child doesn’t want to make his parents proud? On the other, I am depressed and dissatisfied, and it has taken a toll on my mental/psychological homeostasis.

What holds me back?

I wanted to take that U-turn from what I was dictated to do to something I am passionate about however I am taking into consideration what the consequences would be if I would make that choice. My parents are the number one factor here. I don’t want to disappoint them further. I’m a disappointment already with my current status. So I stay silent and push myself further even if I instinctively know that any effort on my part wouldn’t matter.

I am unhappy.

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I am unhappy because I am not made for what I had studied for. I am unhappy because I am struggling and at loss. I am unhappy because I am torn between decisions. I am unhappy because I am envious of people who chose what they love and made it a career versus what they were told to do.

I am unhappy because I lack support when I need it the most.

Support-less

Friends are always there to support you but every child need his/her support from his/her parents the most. The latter is what I lack. Sure they had supported me on minor things but when it becomes something big like something about my future, they dictate. I know they mean well and I try to follow and make them proud but…

Vicissitude

So before I make this complete turn in my life, I shall weigh everything and hopefully soon I shall take that giant leap of faith and be happy with MY OWN CHOSEN path.

“Working hard for something you don’t care about is called stress. Working for something we love is called passion.”

-Anonymous

 

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One thought on “Metamorphosis

  1. Pingback: The Liebster Award | The Fat Kat

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