“Have faith. Be strong. Hold on.”
Those were the exact words I told Dee, friend and fellow LDRBN community member, in response to one of her blog entries.
There are times when I would waver from these three phrases, most especially when Louie is burdened with problems which he refuses to share with me.
I get it. I understand that he isn’t ready to share. I just wanted to lighten the load since he has a lot more to deal with like school, dissertations, and part-time jobs.
But it hurts.
It hurts because he is hurting.
It hurts because I feel like I can’t get through him.
Five days ago, he didn’t send his usual morning greeting at Viber. He didn’t text. I understood that, thinking that he was too exhausted by the things he has going on at his side of the world. As the days went by, I had not received a single text. I was worried but I gave him time and greeted him like I usually do.
But I was crumbling inside.
By Wednesday, I received a message from him. He apologized for not being able to talk, telling me he has problems within the family and that he is looking for a place to move in to. Knowing him, I replied, “Oh, okay. Whenever you’re comfortable talking about it, I’m just here.Okay?”
He thanked me for understanding and he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him more.
But my heart was aching.
I waited patiently, steadfastly, as I died little by little inside.
Today, I missed a call from him. I scrambled to call him back. When I heard his voice, hearing that he misses me…I couldn’t describe how elated I was to hear him and talk to him. I wanted to jump for joy, to dance a merry jig, to sing to the heavens with happiness.
I remained calm and asked him how things were faring. He told me that he still had a lot of problems involving his family. I tried to pry but he refused to tell me. That hurt.
I asked him if he had found a place to stay.
“Yeah. Its near school. It’s a house with 4 bedrooms. I have 7 other housemates and they’re looking for one more. I found out later that all of my housemates are women. It wasn’t intentional.”
The smile I had faded away. I fell silent, stunned. My heart thundered loudly in my ears. My stomach rebelled, threatening to expel my lunch. My hands shook. I felt the earth crumble beneath my feet, plunging me into oblivion.
I opened my mouth but no words came out. I did not know what to say. How does someone respond to that?
7 women. 1 man. My man. Under one roof.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?” he asked.
“I was just surprised,” I said.
“You sound like you don’t trust me.”
“I don’t trust them!” I almost shouted. “And there are four bedrooms. You’ll be roomies with one of them!”
“No. You don’t trust me.”
I didn’t say anything. I was panicking. I knew that my voice was a bit shrill. I was bordering on hysteria. In truth, I was scared. Scared of losing him. I might lose him. A myriad of scenarios danced in my head, none of them pleasant.
In the midst of my emotional struggle, I heard him say, “My friends would surely die when they find out.”
“Die of what?”
“They’ll die with envy.”
I wanted to scream. To yell. At him.
You! Why are you doing this to me? It hurts! Damn, this hurts!
“Yeah,” I agreed, trying to hide the bitterness from my voice and failing. “You’ll be surrounded by women.”
“Wifey,” he began.
No! Don’t you dare ‘wifey’ me!
“Is there another house you can move in to?” Because I don’t want you there. I don’t care if they bend over backwards to find an 8th housemate! I don’t want you to stay there!
“There is one,” he told me. “It’s farther away from school but the rent is a bit expensive because I’ll be renting an entire room.”
I fell silent once more, thinking of the choices he had. Thinking of the other burdens he had. I weighed everything he said. The pros. The cons. I tried to understand even though it was killing me.
I don’t want him to stay inside a house full of women. But it’s nearer the university and it’s cheaper.
I wanted him to stay at the other house. But it’s farther away and expensive to rent.
He could stay at his folks’ house and it is even rent free. But its far from school and tensions are high.
I felt defeated. I did not know what to do. I wanted to be the best girlfriend/fiancée for him. I didn’t want to add to his problems and his stresses.
I bid him goodnight for he told me that he needed to sleep. It was already 1AM at his side.
After the call, I fell down to my knees and cried. Hard.
I cried until my throat hurt. I cried, never caring who heard me.
I cried until there were no more tears to shed.
It hurt.Words cannot describe how devastatingly painful it was. I wanted to shy away from the pain. I wanted to run. Give up. I wanted to break away from it all. My heart could only take so much.
But I don’t want to give up. I wanted him in my life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t want to run and cower.
He chose me. Out of the 7.3 billion people in the world, he chose me.
Remembering what I had said to Dee, I picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and taped them back together.
For the prompt: Fears
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